Marc Spitz

maybe i should stop watching football. i just heard a promo for the daytona 500 on fox featuring “bad” by u2 and all i can think of is: serves me right. i mean i have no business watching a green bay packers game anyway. i don’t even like them (my stepfather is a fan though). and if i do then i have to forfeit my right to be offended by the usage of a heroin ballad in a promo for a car race. what’s next? ”running to stand still” for restless leg syndrome or that shit that keeps middle aged men from pissing every ten minutes? dang? i thought u2 didn’t license out their songs? what’s next? dare i even start recording the Australian open? why not ”jet boy, jet girl” for any number of airlines. they can handily snip out the “he gives me head” or “you know i’m only just fifteen” lyrics as long as we are all as a culture agreeing they mean fuck all in the wash. it reminds me of being a kid (what doesn’t?) and reading an old issue of Creem (which along with Mad and the Carol Burnett show basically formed the template for my sense of humor and everything else). one of the probably fabricated letters to the editor addressed the lyrics of “brown sugar.” It went something like “Dear Sirs, could you please clarify the stones lyric because i cannot be sure if they are offensive. If it’s ’she blew my nose and then she blew my mind’ then it’s perfectly fine. However, it it’s ‘ She blew my hose and then she blew my mind’ it would present a problem.” I’m paraphrasing. I wish i had the actual issue. I wish i had all of them. It’s “nose” of course, but when you see it in the inevitable hot cereal commercial, i’m it’ll just be the fuckin’ chorus anyway. i once spent an entire night making out with a really pretty girl to “bad.” over and over again. it would end and we would replay it and resume smooching. maybe that’s what’s really vexing me. that or how much elton motello looks like quentin tarantino (crossed with shields and yarnell).